Shut. It. Down.

This post is for you. For every woman who reads this and knows this aching of the heart.

This post is impulsive so I beg your forgiveness if it is foolishness to some, reckless, or not profound. I simply feel the push to be as transparent as possible to bring light into this darkness. This dark corner in my life that I ache and push and pull and tear and find destruction in throughout my life.

Ladies.....of all age, ethnicity, economic background. I am a woman of faith daily running from societies definitions and labels. At times I laugh at the way the world says that I should be defined. I stand firmly in my faith of knowing who I am created to be by my God and Savior. I have bold confidence in my skills and giftings. I feel beautifully crafted, feisty, and fierce. But more often then not the thing that speaks most loudly into my life is my frustration and defeat over my body image.

The verses are there to remind me. My church is there to help me remember that this area is also very much defined by God and not the rest of humanity. I am active and attempt to eat well (as well as a lover of food is able ;) and yet I seem to stumble at every corner. I grow more withdrawn in my mind into this dark place deep within me crying out at myself all day long. My anxiety deepens as I struggle to tear myself hopelessly from this place. It is a place that leaves me raw and withering under the weight of such mental destruction. Until I speak light into the darkness.

I can never walk out until I speak truth into the lies. Until I call it for what it is. I need to speak my struggle out loud to my God. At times that means writing these words on paper, crying in the arms of my husband, or relating to the heart of a friend. Shauna Neiquist said in her devo today, in Savor, to think of a time when someone reminded you of something fundamental and simple that you have forgotten. Today and many many days that truth is that my image is created in the image of my Father. But that truth in itself was not enough today. Even though it should be. So I spent time simply washing dishes worshipping to music with my husband as he does RushFit in the living room. Singing words that I know to be true until they started to sink deeply into my soul. That HIS PRAISE WILL EVER BE ON MY LIPS. That is fundamental. Glory glory hallelujah, Jesus you are good. Sink deep. Know these truths. In knowing these truths the sin and darkness wash away. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Oh precious is the blood that makes me white as snow.

My friend reminded me today that if I can do nothing else.....pray to my God.....because His mercies are new every morning. That tonight has restored my soul.

Do not be defeated by your image my beautiful friends. Do not let this destruction of your heart rip you in two. Do not keep it secret and hidden this loathing or anger. Speak boldly in the truth of your hurt and sadness. Look to your mothers, sisters, friends, and husbands to love you through that hurt. Your God has so much to say to you amidst that darkness. He has such a beautiful story of redemption for you. In all things......