I have been married for almost four years. To me that feels pretty legit. You no longer mentally feel like a couple of newlyweds but, depending on who you ask, you're still considered wee little married babes. Regardless of who labels us it finally feels like we're making some headway in this thing called marriage.
My hubby and I consider ourselves lucky and very blessed. We are both very head strong individuals but have found a way to make communication a priority and have learned to navigate our way through treacherously heated conversations. We both have acknowledged the fact and have been reminded often that we are a "unique" couple. The best way to put it is this; Brian and I would never ever have been matched together on E-Harmony. We are both drastically opposite in our processing, communication, likes, dislikes, and overall personalities. Initially the most prominent thing we shared is our stubbornness. I have made a pact with myself to never enter into a debate with my husband because it is simply safer for us and society in general ;) I'm a food lover, encourager to the max, liver of life, joy in every moment, last minute planner, world traveler, taste and seer, try and fail to learn kinda gal. Brian is a processor, reality-driven, home body, planner, down-to-earth, entrepreneur to the max, career driven, sarcastic, commitment lover to the core. And we still decided to get married. I mean how could I not? Do you see how cute this guy is?
We got married knowing we were up against great challenges but really you just have no idea until you're in the thick of it how much work it takes. You think you know everything about your guy and that you have a rhythm and then you decide to do life together forever and everything gets tested. You fight and wrestle with every small problem until it becomes a huge problem. Everything feels like a mountain before you and you question why in the world people choose this as their life! It's so much easier living for yourself. It's so much easier to not have to argue at Target about why you need a gigantic garbage can in your laundry room or figure out who's going to do the dishes this time. Marriage has the ability to rock you and draw out every single flaw you never knew you had.
So you fight and you cry and you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over again. And then......one time you remember and commit to doing it better. You make the better choice. You remember to put the other person first....to let them know they are heard and their heart on the subject matters.
It is so crazy hard and so crazy infuriating trying to learn how to communicate without always trying to seek justice for yourself. Because that is the one thing I learned that I HAD to release from my brain. Marriage is NOT about justice and finding the real truth about who is right so that the other can feel shamed into acknowledging that they are wrong. Because that doesn't change the way the person acts, the things they say, or the way they treat you next time. The thing that changes your future is recognizing each other's feelings on the matter, hearing their thoughts and motivations behind their decisions, acknowledging their hurts and figuring out together how to change the outcome in the future. I don't believe there has been one time that I have felt satisfied and at peace after having fought to the death to prove my "rightness" in a matter. But for our first two years of marriage I gave it such an unwavering attempt. All the while stepping all over my husband and telling him that I matter more to myself then he does to me.
Until I realized that the thing I am working for in life is not "rightness" but a life of love and adventure and friendship with this guy:
And when I realized and really focused in on those goals I found such sweet release from the tension in our daily lives. Focusing on the friendship and loving on this incredible guy who literally is the only person that can make me laugh so hard I hiccup. He constantly drives me to work hard to make other people's lives better. He's guy that knows EXACTLY how I'm feeling even before I do sometimes. That's my best friend. We were buddies in the beginning of our marriage and poked fun at each other all the time as we were trying to navigate our way through it all. Now I know that he is my best friend. That's what drives our love more deeply into our souls each day. Being each other's one and onlys.
Yes the stakes are absolutely higher now then they were in the beginning. The deeper you love the easier it is to be ultimately hurt by that person. The harder it would be to recover if anything would ever happen to your best friend or to your marriage. But that's also the most beautiful part. The deeper the love the deeper the trust. I had to run from my life as a single person and operating for myself because ultimately it was holding me back. It was holding me back from living completely for this new life and my new husband. I was leaving room for the what if. You can't hold up a shield to try and protect yourself in your marriage while becoming one with someone else. You have to live with heart open and arms held high to the King and trust that He created you, He will sustain you, and He will help you continue to honor and protect that forever commitment.
Love your spouse with complete abandon. Put down that shield. Get to know your best friend in every way. Trust that putting them first will bring you a greater joy then you could ever experience any other way.
So, Brian Mark Shoberg, this blog is in honor of you today. For all you are, all you've been and all I'll ever need. You amaze me.....
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